Funny Email
The following was received from a good friend, relating the happenings on a
recent dive trip. We hope that you will find it as entertaining as we did:
Dear
Mr. Vetter:
I received my dry suit last week and the seals feel like they will do a
better job at preventing water incursion into the suit. Harvey's is such a
good company and they do excellent work. I'm trying to get out of some
prior
commitments before I can commit to Gilboa. I should know something on
Friday.
I went diving in Savannah, GA on Tuesday of this week. Before we left the
dock the captain said it looked like 2 to 4 foot seas and did anybody have a
problem with that. Some were hesitant so the captain asked me since I had
my
JPS Dive Service shirt on (thinking I was a commercial diver) and letting me
know I was the dive master for the trip, I said "no problem." Two
to four
foot is baby pool shit and pass me another egg salad sandwich. The captain
was not a diver and this was his first year chartering for divers.
Several on the boat were considering their options. I said speak now or
forever hold your peace. They all began (except for yours truly) to take
Dramamine before we left the dock. They were acting like we were going
into
the Perfect Storm, strapping shit down and debating on whether to rig up or
not. They asked me (being what they believed to be the expert) what to do.
I said, "Always setup your gear at the dock." I went on to
expound on
entering the water as soon as you arrive even before the captain shuts the
boat off. They had the balls to ask why. Then Professor Bart went on
to
instruct that the boat really begins to rock when it comes to a stop. Then
it dawned on me!
I asked the question, how many here had ever been diving in the ocean from a
boat? No one raised there hand. I found out that they all had come
down on
vacation and had just got their C card this past winter but had never been on
a boat or dove in salt water. I began to have flash backs to our Morehead
City trip and spiderman on the bottom of the boat. I then explained to
them
I'm not responsible for their safety and that I had no problem looking after
one or two buddy divers but there was no way I could supervise 14
inexperienced divers. I then went on to explain that 2 to 4 foot seas was
not the best conditions for beginners and they may want to reconsider.
The two women decided to drop out but the 12 guys were going. Immediately
they began to open there bags and setup their gear. ALL 12 HAD THE
SAME
BRAND NEW GEAR! I then asked how long it took them to get their
C-Card and
they said one weekend last October. I now felt like my life was on the
line.
I visualized 12 of these assholes fighting with me at 100' down over air.
I
knew I had to develop a plan that would get me away from the strokes. I
decided to hit the water first and get as deep and as far from the pack as
possible. Thanks to the 131s I knew I had the advantage. I
instructed the
12 that they were on their own and would be responsible to take care of their
dive buddy. They then asked who I was diving with and I said alone. They
asked what would I do if something went wrong with my gear, I said I'll take
my chances. They quickly got the hint that I thought they were in danger
when I asked the captain if he had oxygen on board and where was the closest
chamber.
Well, I watched the 12 gear up and I must say they looked cute all color
coded and matching, it was a sight that even Charlie Carroll would be proud
of. Well, it was now 7:15 am and time to shove off and head for The Big
Blue. At 7:19 am we were pulling back into the dock. A small craft
advisory
was issued by the coast guard. The seas were now growing 6 to 8 foot
offshore and the captain and I agreed that the 12 would surely die and I said
my ass is to old to get that beat up just to make a few bubbles. So with
that we were back and ready to go home. The twelve then asked me to go
Wednesday with them and they would even pay my expenses and an hourly rate to
help them. I told them I had business on Wednesday and could not make it
but
I told them they would be well advised to call a local dive shop and pay two
to three divemasters to go with them. They admitted they couldn't remember
all the things they learned last October and that they felt a little uneasy.
I explained that diving is something not to be taken lightly and by all means
hire some divemasters to go on Wednesday. They said they would and with
that
I left. Hopefully the scuba industry won't get a black-eye with all the
deaths from these agencies giving C-Cards to people with 8 hours of classroom
and 8 hours of pool work along with 2 quarry dives.
Sincerely,
Bart R. Haynes
The following photo was taken of Mr. Haynes while on a recent dive outing to
the Caribbean:
And
here he is while on another dive trip to the Canadian side of Lake Erie:
We
are not sure just exactly what it is that he is doing, but he seems to be having
a great time. (I wonder what his favorite movie is?)
In rebuttal, Mr. Haynes
has issued the following:
Dear
SOS (AKA - Son of Suckers):
I have been involved in therapy for several years concerning past unmentionable
acts performed on me while on a fishing trip in Canada. My therapist
suggested I release all the pain and hurt during one of my many trips with
friends. It was during a trip to Canada (Lake Erie) trip not the Grand
Caymans that this picture was taken, notice the dry suit undergarment I have on.
Having watched Titanic I felt that by becoming one with the earth and revealing
my nakedness to bear along with my scars that she (Mother Earth) may choose to
heal me. Noticing everyone asleep or suffering from DCS I thought I could
have a moment alone at the bow of the ship and be set free from the baggage of
pain and memories I've carried all these years.
Thanks to the same pervert who stump broke me in Canada being along on the trip,
HE, this same pervert faking as if he were asleep and suffering from DCS
followed me to the bow of the ship and snapped this photograph at my most
vulnerable point. I'm just lucky he didn't bend me over the rail and give
it another shot. My ass used to be awesome, you could bounce a quarter off
of it, no wonder the PERVERT took advantage of me, how could he stifle those
raging homo desires. Now, look at it, the horror, the scars of time when
men were men and the women were scarce.
I leave all of you at the SOS with this thought, it could happen to you. I
was like you and never believed it would happen but it did, just remember that
the next time the PERV looks at you with that big ear to ear smile, he ain't
right in the head and you better watch out, the PERV is a firm believer that
Kentucky Jelly is a waste of good biscuit condiments.
Sincerely,
Bart
R. Haynes
